


i love that word (forever)

by cyclothimic



Series: cold bones [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Earth-1, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kara Danvers needs more therapy, Pining, Romance, So much angst, Tumblr Prompt, and i'm always a sucker for angst, i'm not even sorry, oh yeah, that guy prompted me, title is misleading lmaooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 16:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13322463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyclothimic/pseuds/cyclothimic
Summary: tumblr prompt: So, I have a Supercorp prompt for you, for your 'cold bones' universe. I hope that's ok! But ok. Kara goes to visit Lena's grave. (And, also maybe, Kara runs into Lena from an alternative Earth?)or, Kara visits Earth-1 to help Team Flash and Team Arrow, and met Lena's doppelganger.





	i love that word (forever)

**Author's Note:**

> this has to be the longest one shot i have ever written - and probably the saddest. this is part 3 to my cold bones series, aka the lena luthor with cancer series. would be wise for you to read the previous two installationss before this.
> 
> hah, and you thought i'm done with it. it took me like 2 months to finish it, so i don't care if you have to cry three times, y'all better appreciate my hard work *evil cackle*
> 
> (also, blame that person who gave me this angsty prompt and i really couldn't not write it)
> 
>  
> 
> now, read, ponder, and bawl.

_I love that forever doesn't exist, but we have a word for it anyway, and use it all the time. It's beautiful and doomed_.

_-Viv Albertine_

* * *

The DEO had a team of therapists to offer counseling to agents who had been traumatized by certain missions. They had to sign NDAs before they were brought in, and they kept their own practices to treat other patients who were…more normal. Kara was friends with those agents and therapists, seeing them coming in and out of the building all the time.

She never thought she would need one.

But apparently, a spouse's death proved to be a valid reason to have a therapist.

She really didn't have much of a choice in the matter. After Lena was gone and she had to pack away all her stuff to put in the attic, Kara went on a suicidal rampage, not caring much about her life and paying no attention to living at all. As a matter of fact, Alex had even told her that it seemed like Kara  _wanted_ the criminals she had confronted to kill her.

It didn't mean that Kara didn't put up a fight when J'onn informed her that he had assigned her to therapy. She deliberately missed out on appointments, causing anger and frustration among her peers. She hid away in different rooms when the therapist came to the DEO herself. It went to the point where she would only show up for missions and then avoid everyone at all costs.

She didn't see the point of seeing a therapist. She was an alien, a superhero, had a human wife, and lost her wife because she was human. It was just that.

A stranger wouldn't be able to understand the pain of losing the love of her life. A stranger couldn't begin to fathom the devotion she had dedicated to Lena during their years of friendship and then relationship and then marriage. A stranger would never have an inkling of how much they had loved each other, how much Kara had loved Lena. A stranger would not see the massive black hole that was carved out by Lena's passing in Kara's heart.

It took her  _really_  almost dying from the hands of an alien who managed to get ahold of Kryptonite for her to see the state she was in. It took her waking up to Alex crying to Maggie about not being able to save her sister to see what she had put her family through. It took her taking in the somber and helpless looks on her friends' faces to see what her peers had to see whenever they looked at her.

So she agreed to the therapy, and she had been seeing Dr. Hunnigan for a little over a year now.

To say that the therapy sessions lifted her pain would be an overstatement, because she was still sad and grieving. She still visited the cemetery every Saturday, bringing fresh bouquets of plumerias and hordes of stories, hoping that Lena would hear her. She still came home every night and felt her knees buckle at the reminder that she was alone.

But she was surviving. She hosted game nights because she knew that was what Lena would have wanted. She laughed and cried during Netflix. She offered her guest room to Alex whenever she had an argument with Maggie. She no longer cried when she lied down on the bed and failed to smell Lena in the sheets anymore.

It wasn't everything, but it was  _something_.

She had just shown up to the DEO after another therapy session with Dr. Hunnigan when she saw Barry and Oliver standing at the roundtable with J'onn, Alex, and Winn, looking hopeful and wary. Narrowing her eyes, she composed her stance and made her way over to them.

"Hey," she greeted, frowning. Once upon a time, she would have grinned happily and bounded over to them, ready for the next adventure, but it had been five years since Lena had gone, and she was so tired. Like she said, the therapy wasn't everything. "What's going on?"

Barry looked hesitant and almost as if he would rather flash away than to talk to her about whatever the purpose of their visit was. Oliver cleared his throat, glaring at Barry before shooting her a determined look. "We need your help." He sounded brusque and orderly, but she could see the tension in the set of his shoulders, like he was almost as reluctant to be here.

"With…?" she drifted off.

"Kara, you don't have to –" Alex stopped when J'onn shot her a disapproving look, but then veered on with a firm clench of her jaw. "Look, you really don't have to."

Kara's frown deepened. "What?" she demanded.

"I think it would be best for you to just come with us and let us show you," Barry spoke for the first time, his voice shaking. He swallowed, looked to Oliver, and when Oliver gave him a nod, he continued, "Do you think you can get…Superman here as well?"

She blinked and then shook her head. "I'm not sure if he's available. Lois just had the baby and I don't think he'll want to leave her alone."

"Supergirl," J'onn commanded, "we really think Superman can help."

She took a deep breath, looking at each of them, watching them fidget and worry. Part of her didn't want to go with Barry and Oliver; the session just now with Dr. Hunnigan had been pretty grueling. But they were her friends, and after what had happened to drive her to agree to therapy, she had vowed that she would never leave her friends alone anymore.

"Okay, I'll try."

* * *

Alex had insisted that she go with them, seemingly pissed off at the intruders from Earth-One for some reason. J'onn had patted her on the shoulder. Winn had wished her good luck and given her a long hug before skittering away; he might have been on the verge of crying. Kara and Clark were just confused and in the dark, mildly annoyed at Oliver and Barry's secrecy.

As they emerged from the portal and walked down the corridors to the main room, Barry went more and more nervous while Oliver became all the more tenser. Kara didn't even think that was possible with the way the man had always carried himself. The speedster stopped just shy of the entrance, much to Oliver's annoyance and Kara's confusion.

"Just…please don't be mad at me," Barry pleaded with Kara.

"What are you –"

"Well,  _I_ already am," Alex said, cutting a glare at him and Oliver.

"We don't have a choice," Oliver sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "He is proving to be a danger on this earth as well."

While Kara was still confused, Clark seemed to have gotten it. He sucked in a sharp breath and stepped closer to Oliver. "Are you sure?" he asked.

Oliver nodded. "We have a very reliable informant," he said, shooting a regretful look at Kara and then looked back at Clark. "Believe me, you are our last resort. We need all the help we can get."

"Will someone please just fill me in?" Kara demanded, growing annoyed.

"Just come inside." Oliver then led the group through the entrance.

Alex had put her arm around Kara's shoulder, like she was trying to hold Kara up with her own strength. Kara let her, even though she didn't understand why. When they entered the room, she didn't see anything out of place. The whole Flash team was there, but they weren't looking really well. In fact, their faces only portrayed fear and concern.

It was only when her eyes traveled over to the figure standing in front of the transparent board that her heart quickened in its beat. The woman had her back towards Kara, so she couldn't quite see her face, but the figure was familiar enough for her to know who she was. She had hugged that figure countless times, memorized the nooks and crannies that decorated the woman countless nights, and held her body when she died as they were floating over National City.

Alex's arm tightened around Kara, and she should, because Kara would have dropped to her knees.

When the woman turned around and revealed her face, black filled Kara's vision and she really dropped to her knees. She didn't remember much else then.

* * *

She came to with a gasp, and Alex was there, holding her back and stroking her hair with an overly concerned look on her face, whispering to her to take deep breaths and calm down and that she was right there with her. Kara stared into Alex's eyes, following the way her chest moved up and down until she had regained her composure.

She drew her knees up and gulped, looking behind at Alex to see no one in the room with them. "Did you – I – Was that –" She couldn't get a word out. She couldn't get anything out. The only thing she could see in her mind was the face of the woman she never thought she'd ever see again. She closed her eyes, took a few more deep breaths, and shook her head aggressively. "Tell me I'm just imagining stuff," she whispered, unable to shake away the image away.

Alex's hands cupped her cheeks. "We can go back," she said. "Clark is here. He can deal with it. We can go back." Kara whimpered, hugging her arms around her drawn up knees and rocking back and forth on the bed, causing it squeak with her motion. "Hey," Alex implored, "just say the word and I'll get Ramon to send us back. It's no big deal."

Her sister was the most responsible person she had ever known. When there was a mission, she would be the first to volunteer, regardless of how dangerous and life threatening it could prove to be. She would never shirk from her duties. And yet here she was, telling Kara that they could just leave this be and get out of here.

Kara had never loved her sister more.

Some part of her was triumphing at the thought that she had won in her argument with basically no one that therapy didn't work. If therapy had worked, she wouldn't feel this hollowness in her chest so potently, more than it had been for the past five years. If therapy had worked, she wouldn't feel so utterly and helpless. If therapy had worked, her heart wouldn't be so unsalvageable that just the sight of a woman with the same face and the same frown and the same set of lips would make her faint.

"So I'm not…it's not…she's…" She was still panting. Her mouth closed and she buried her face into her forearm, as if she would be able to curl herself into nothingness and forget about everything.

"She's not her," Alex offered. Kara lifted her head and stared at the redhead, affronted at the claim. Alex displayed a melancholic smile. Kara took a good look at her, and realized that Alex had been crying, remembering that Alex had a relationship with Lena too; she had loved Lena too. Her sister inhaled, shivering. "She looks like her. She talks like her. She moves like her. But she's  _not_ her." One of her hands moved towards the back of Kara's head, stroking her hair. "She's not her," she repeated, reminding herself as much as she was reminding Kara.

"I can't," Kara said, shaking her head.

Alex nodded. "I know, Kara." She leaned in to brace her forehead against Kara's. "Do you want to go? We can go."

Silence lingered in the air between them as Kara tried to find a decision and Alex waited for her to find it. "It's Lex Luthor, isn't it?" she concluded.

"Clark is here."

"I just need –"

"We  _really_ can go," Alex insisted.

Kara looked into her sister's eyes. "Do you want to?" she whispered in askance. She wanted to say that she was brave and she would have stayed and she was just challenging her sister; the truth was that she wasn't brave, but she also didn't want to leave, and she was entirely dependent on her sister to make the decision for them. A moment of weakness, something she hadn't afforded herself in a long time.

The redhead, having known Kara almost her whole life, could see the direction Kara had come from and the misdirection Kara was unsure where to go. "Let's just give it another hour before we decide, okay?" Alex whispered.

* * *

"Kara, I'm –"

Barry stopped when Kara held a hand up to his face, shooting him a well-prepared glare. "I can't talk to you right now," she muttered, and then turned to Oliver, "or you."

Barry at least had the decency to look guiltier, but Oliver just looked self-righteous, and she honestly didn't know what else she expected from him. Part of her was glad that he was so firm on his stance about needing her; at least someone was keeping their head in the game.

She walked to the center of the room, avoiding looking to her right, where she knew  _she_ was standing at. "What do I need to know?"

Cisco kept his wary gaze on her longer before he cleared his throat and nodded, joining her at the center of the room. And then he went on a monologue about how the Lex Luthor of Earth-One had finally shown his true colors, only he wasn't going after aliens on this earth, but the multiverse – which was considerably more dangerous in comparison, given that it had the potential of actually destroying the entire world for fifty-two earths.

He already went after Earth-X, which caused Oliver to complain about wasting their efforts to save that earth in the first place, but Kara felt no sympathy for it – her evil self had really turned her off that earth for good. The Earth-One heroes were too late to stop it, and at a dead end to stop Lex Luthor from going after other earths.

Cisco reluctantly turned from Kara to the woman at her right. "Um, she showed up two days ago and told us she could help us," he said shakily, gesturing in her direction. Kara swallowed, firm in not looking at the woman in question, and nodded at Cisco to continue. "But she said we'd need your help, so we got Barry and Oliver there to talk to you."

"So what do you need us to do?"

Felicity took over for Cisco and explained that Lex was hidden in a very obscure corner of the world that they couldn't locate, but the new visitor had come up with an idea to pick up on some signature or other, and they were currently building the machine. For now, they needed her and Clark to fly over the city –  _cities_ , if need be – to find out if they can pick up on Lex Luthor's whereabouts.

Kara looked to her cousin, who gave her a nod of confirmation. "Okay," she said, making an effort to keep her voice steady and emotionless. "We'll be back in an hour. Two hours, tops."

"Do you have a problem with me?" She and Clark stopped in their tracks, and everyone else in the room sucked in their breaths.

Slowly, she turned back around to the woman who had asked that question. "No." This was the first time she had spoken directly to her, and Kara almost wanted to opt out of her show of strength and tell Alex that they should just go home.

"Really? Because you literally passed out when you saw me."

"Skipped breakfast."

"You're  _Supergirl_."

"Aliens need to eat too."

"You won't talk to me. You won't even look at me."

"No reason to."

"Do you even  _know_  who I am?" the woman demanded.

The wedding band burned into her skin as she hid it behind her crossed arms. She closed her eyes shortly, taking a few deep breaths, before she gathered up the strength to look at the woman again. She just looked  _so much_  like  _her_. Unable to help herself, her eyes began to well up.

"You're – you're  _Lena_ Luthor," she offered, her voice cracking and threading. "On my earth, your brother went to prison and you took over LexCorp, rebranding it L-Corp to show your solidarity with aliens. On my earth, nobody believed in you, but I did, and you held on despite all the hate and heckles you've gotten from the public. On my earth, you were kind, patient, intelligent, determined, and confident." As she listed everything out, she could feel her already splintered heart breaking further with menial cracks. She inhaled a shuddering pocket of air. "On my earth, you loved me and you were my  _wife_."

Lena's eyes were wide. Alex was holding in her emotions. Barry was toeing the floor. Oliver was looking up at the ceiling. Clark was watching her carefully. And Kara…Kara just wanted to  _die_.

"I'm sorry," Kara sibilated, dropping her gaze to the Flash suit wrapped around the mannequin. "I need to go." Without even waiting for Clark, she sped out of the building and lifted in the air.

* * *

The speed lab was uncharacteristically empty and quiet when she had changed and wandered to it.

She and her cousin spent the last two hours scouring the globe, but couldn't find anything. They didn't talk at all, because Kara made sure to always be faster than Clark as they flew. When they came back, she deliberately avoided the main room and just went to the common room to shower and change, and then she was now here at the speed lab.

There was no better place to curl up in than the tunnel, and curled up she did. Like a child, she drew up her knees as close as possible to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pulling herself into as small a ball as possible, as if the smaller she was, the more unnoticeable she became.

"Supergirl?"

Or so she thought.

Ignoring the age-old pull she had towards the voice, ignoring how that pull was still there – strong yet faint – she squeezed her eyes shut tighter and slowed down her breathing.

"Supergirl?"

Tighter. Slower.

"I saw you come in here just now. And…and I know you don't want to talk to me right now, I don't blame you. But you seem like you know me really well, and if you know me at all, you'll know I always let my curiosity get the best of me, which is why I'm here."

 _Tighter. Slower_.

"Please."

That intonation – the intonation that Lena had when she asked Kara to take her flying that day. She relieved herself from the ball she had forced her body into and floated out of the tunnel, making sure to keep at least five feet from the intruder and not meeting her eyes. She crossed her arms, which would normally make her feel somewhat more powerful, but now, the gesture was just an act of self-preservation.

Apart from their breathing and the occasional rustle of clothes, the speed lab was silent, tranquil, almost, if not for the storm that was going inside Kara's head and the heart that was speeding up behind Lena's chest. She should have just gone home.

"You said 'were'," Lena said, frowning slightly. That look on her face – one that Kara had been the victim of one too many times – was a look that said Lena totally knew what it meant, but she just wanted someone to say it. She had used that look when Kara revealed her identity to her.

Willing herself to not fall for that look anymore, Kara braced her posture, straightening her back, puffing out her chest, and assuming a wider stance. "You know what that means."

Lena tightened her fists by her sides. "How?"

A slight frown tugged at the skin at the bridge of Kara's nose. She formed a tiny 'O' with her lips as the ache in her chest increased tenfold at the memory of finding out the condition, the three months that went by, and carrying her wife in her arms when she took her dying breath.

"Uh…" Her voice was audibly strangled. "Cancer. Pancreas." She would have told her which stage it was, but it would have taken all her strength to keep the words coming, so she just uncrossed her arms and held up four fingers instead.

Lena's eyes widened slightly. "So…your Lena was the CEO of a multibillion company, had a psychopathic racist brother, a similarly psychopathic racist mother, married a superhero alien, and she died…of pancreatic cancer," Lena summed it up.

"Believe me, you have no idea how pissed off I was about that," Kara said, shaking her head with her head lowered. "Still am."

Lena nodded, as if she understood, but she didn't. She would never understand. They didn't have a Kara on this earth. This Lena had never felt what her Lena had felt. The woman uncurled her fists, fidgeting, like she didn't know what else she could do. Kara couldn't help but watch those hands, briefly recalling how they had felt against her skin, the warmth they had brought, the comfort and the safety that she felt. And then she zeroed in at a certain accessory, causing her to take a sharp breath and stumble back a step. A ring.

"That's…" she drifted off. Her heart. Oh, her  _heart_.

Lena, having noticed what Kara had seen, tried to hide it. But Kara had already seen it, so there wasn't a point. The other woman grimaced and shoved her hands in the pockets of her hoodie. Clenching her jaw, she nodded in confirmation, further adding, "Yeah."

She shouldn't ask. She shouldn't want to know. She shouldn't do this to herself. But, well, Kara had always been a self-made magnet of disaster, whether emotionally or physically. "Who is it?"

Lena sucked in her lower lip, and Kara would have found it an incredible turn on if it wasn't for the fact that she wasn't the one who put that ring there. "His name is Jack," Lena answered meekly, avoiding Kara's eyes. "Been two years."

Kara narrowed her eyes, a vain attempt to hide the fresh wave of tears and sorrow that had flooded her being. "Yeah," she whispered, looking down at her boots. "Yeah, okay." And then she bolted out of the room.

* * *

"We have something!"

She had been hiding in another faraway room, seemed like an inventory, but at Felicity's voice, she sped over, almost colliding with Barry. When he made another try to talk to her, she shook her head firmly and stood at one corner, arms crossed, eyes locked onto Felicity and no one else.

The rest of the mismatched team flowed in one by one, and damn her, but she could pick up on that distinctive heartbeat almost immediately. Once Felicity was sure that everyone was here, she began on her diatribe.

"There's a strong radioactive signature coming from a warehouse six hundred miles from here. I tried using ARGUS satellite to peek into it, but no dice. But such a strong signature can only indicate that Lex Luthor has powered on the device. For now, I can only confirm that it's not fully charged yet, but my calculations tell me that we only have about two hours until he really start on destroying the multiverse."

"Where is it?" Clark asked.

Felicity typed on the computer and then nodded to herself, offering the location of the warehouse. And then she frowned. "I – wait, there's Kryptonite."

Everyone turned to the two Kryptonians in the room. "Has he extracted it?" Clark asked.

"No, it's not exposed yet."

"Then we can go," Kara spoke for the first time.

"Kara," Alex said in a warning tone.

"You asked us here because you need us," Kara said, raising her brows in a challenging motion. "There isn't a point to us being here if we just stay here. So, if he hasn't exposed the Kryptonite, we're still safe. We can still go." She looked to Clark and then corrected herself, " _I_ will still go." Clark still had Lois at home, a wife who was still alive. She didn't.

"No, I'm going," Clark said, nodding in affirmation. "Kara's right. We're here for a reason."

And it wasn't for her to have another chance with the woman who was her wife back home.

Eventually, everyone nodded their acquiescence.

"I'm going with you."

Kara's head snapped towards the origin of the voice. "No," she snapped, shaking her head at Lena. Well, Kara had never claimed to be rational. "You're staying put." And then Lena – goddamn her – narrowed her eyes in that defiant and stubborn way of hers, which had always gotten her whatever she wanted from Kara. Hardening her resolve, Kara stared right back. "You're staying put," she repeated.

"Do not tell me what to do," Lena replied, almost snarling but still polite enough to be restraining herself. Kara had heard that tone before too when Lena used to grow impatient with her board of directors.

The blonde raised her brows. "You're not coming with us," she insisted.

"Do I need to remind you that _I_ am not your wife?" Lena burst out, hitting her right where it would break. And then Lena blinked, as if she had just realized what she said and regretted it instantly, but it was too late.

"Hey," Alex protested.

"Alright, no," Barry joined in.

"Miss Luthor, let us  _not_ ," Clark spoke.

Oliver just sighed, shaking his head.

Kara ignored their protests, played obliviousness to Lena's apparent regret, and swooped over to the raven haired woman in a second flat. She breathed in the perfume Lena wore – not the same – and the distinct scent that had always piqued Kara's attention – always the same. Lena, to her credit, did not waver, only apologizing with her green eyes. But judging by the way her lips were pursed and her body was postured, there wasn't an outcome where Lena wasn't going with them.

The alien swallowed. "I had her in my arms," she whispered, but it was loud enough for the rest of the room to hear, especially in the dead silence that had dropped upon them. "She was weak. Lost a lot of weight in three months. Pale. Couldn't even have  _soup_. Hated flying, but asked me to take her flying. I think she knew – knew that day would be her last." She could still remember; the sun on their skins, the lightness she was carrying, the frailty that eventually broke. National City was somber that afternoon. "We were above the city, right in the middle. I could see she loved it. She enjoyed the view. She  _thanked_ me for  _loving_  her, like there was any way for me to  _not_ ," she gritted between clenched jaw. "And then she  _died_  in my arms."

She shouldn't be saying all these things. They were hers and hers alone. The people in the room with her didn't deserve to hear these things, not even Alex knew what transpired during their flight. Kara had only flown back to the DEO that day, deposited Lena in their DEO-issued bed, and went numb for twelve hours.

And someone who resembled Lena didn't deserve to hear these things, but  _Rao_ , she looked  _exactly_  like Lena that Kara just couldn't stop herself from paralleling one to the other.

She could at least try, right? God, she'd been trying for _five_ years. To survive, to not jam herself into Kryptonite, to not give into temptation and create Super-point just so she could have Lena back in her arms. And now, she didn't have Lena in her arms, sure, and she didn't pull a Barry act and mess up the timeline, but Lena was  _here_. As much as it hurt to see that ring on Lena's finger, be reminded this Lena would never be hers, she was  _here_.

And after five years of depravity, Kara would take  _anything_.

"I lost you once," she breathed. Lena failed in hiding her gasp, and Kara could guess that she was crying now, but really, she couldn't really feel it. "I'm not going to lose you again. I  _can't_."

The machines whirred in the background, pinging every so often to sound out the running out of time. Someone shuffled their feet. Another kicked their heels against the ground. There was an exasperated sigh. And then a muffled up sob. Maybe Caitlin whispered her name, or Iris; she couldn't tell.

"I am sorry." Lena swallowed, shaking her head. "I am sorry that you…lost your wife." Her breath shook as she exhaled. "But I am not her. And Lex is my brother. I brought this to your friends' attention and got the ball rolling on this mission; I will damn well to see to its end."

She would continue begging, but she was familiar with the steel in Lena's gaze and the sternness in Lena's voice. So she sighed and took a step back, nodding in reluctant acquiescence and drawing out surprised murmurs from her friends. She looked at Lena, opened her mouth, and didn't know what else she could say.

But she closed it again, inclined her head at Clark, and then flew out without even waiting for him.

* * *

"She's married."

Clark stopped dangling his legs and floated in front of her as she sat on the edge of the rooftop where they were waiting for the rest of the not-fast team. Barry was probably delaying himself because he didn't want to be alone with Kara and Clark, and truthfully, she appreciated that.

She kept her gaze pinned on the ground far below them, knowing that she wouldn't die even she let herself fall. "We…uh…she came to see me in the speed lab just now. She didn't tell me, but I saw the ring."

He frowned, a little unsure and a little sad, a little scared and a little concerned. "Kara, are you sure you want to talk to  _me_ about this?" he asked gently, hovering closer.

Kicking her feet so hard against the concrete, they dug into the material and formed custom footholds the shape of her ankles. He shot the concrete a wary look, while she just held herself there. "His name is Jack, so I'm just gonna assume it's Jack Spheer," she continued without giving him a proper answer. "Jack is nice, or Jack, from our earth,  _was_ nice. He died. Lena was there. Well,  _my_ Lena. And she wasn't – she went to a bad place after that. I didn't know him well, but he was nice, so maybe this Jack is nice too. If he isn't –"

Clark crowded up to her, firmly but softly clasping his hands over her arms to bring her back to reality. She realized she had been rambling and crying and her feet had been digging deeper into the concrete that it had almost reached up to her knee. "Hey," he whispered, nodding at her with a sympathetic smile as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms. He opened his mouth, closed it again, considered something, and then said, "We can go home after this. It'll all be over soon."

She stared at him for a long while. "Thank you for not saying it's okay."

He sighed and pulled her head into his chest, hugging her. "If it were Lois, I wouldn't want people to tell me it's okay too."

* * *

She went on a rampage when they all came and each knew what they were doing. Before she left to ambush the warehouse and  _definitely_  defeat this earth's Lex Luthor, she pulled Felicity and Iris to one side.

"Keep an eye on her, please," she begged. They didn't need her to specify who it was to agree to her pleas.

It went on for five minutes, an hour, a day, two days, she didn't know. All she could see was the rage and pain that had been building inside her, lava boiling over the edge of the mountain the second she saw Lena's doppelganger, and she channeled it to ensure that none of Lex's minions could lay a hand on her before she burned them down.

She would have easily laid them all down, if not for distractions, because she still cared for her teammates and she didn't want them to die. And in the end, all of them exhausted – she and Clark were sweating – and Lex was still triumphant, sitting on a couch in the far end of the room and sipping tea as if he wasn't planning on destroying the  _world_.

The device was shockingly small, and one wouldn't even think of the power it carried if not for Felicity and Cisco's briefing earlier. Lex had it in his other hand, twirling it like a remote to a toy car and nothing else.

It was absolutely infuriating, and she just wanted to take him  _down_. Screw him for allowing madness to take over again and again. Screw him and his jealous tendencies. Screw him and his love for his sister that was  _not_  enough for him.  _Screw him for making her come here and relive a sort of pain that she thought she was over._

"Have you had your fun?" Lex's voice rang out across the room.

"Stand down, Luthor!" Clark shouted back.

Lex watched him with a smirk. "Ah, yes, Superman, the one who defeated…me in Earth-38? How'd that feel like?" He didn't give Clark a chance to answer before shifting his attention to Kara, where his smile just managed to grow more sinister and cruel. "Supergirl," he drawled, "did you have fun with my sister?"

She tightened her fists. Alex made a growling noise. Clark moved forward slightly. Everyone else bristled.

"Have you seen her husband yet? I like that guy. So charismatic. Gentlemanly."

"I will kill you!" she yelled and was just about to rush forward and snap his neck in half when another voice interrupted the trajectory.

"Stop!"

Lena was there, running over to the center of the room. She threw Kara a pleading look, holding up a hand, and then looked back to her brother, who seemed similarly shocked at his sister's appearance. Her heartbeat was fast, an indicator of her panic in this situation, but Kara couldn't do anything.

"Lex," Lena said. "Please."

The man gawked at his sister for a long while before his expression curled into one of anger and disgust. He leaped to his feet. "You sold me out!" he bellowed, loud enough that even Kara and Clark winced.

"I didn't have a choice." It was an admirable thing, Lena's capability to sound so composed and unmoved at the face of immediate danger.

"You always have a choice! You could have joined me!"

Lena swallowed, kept her gaze on her brother for a little while longer before turning slightly to look up at Kara, who was conflicted between two people – one was a man who was about to ruin more of her world and the other was a woman who looked too much like her late wife for her to not care. That look in Lena's eyes was familiar, a look she had always used to get Kara to do what she wanted.

The alien closed her eyes and didn't speak a word. Instead, she floated backwards a couple of inches, ignoring Oliver's warning in her earpiece. It was her sign of concession. When Lena flashed her a thankful expression, she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. She could easily fly forward and snap Lex's neck in a second, and he wouldn't have a chance to activate the device.

The raven haired woman tilted back around and took a firmer stance. "I had a choice, yes. I watched you spiral down this madness of yours, more and more obsessed with the multiverse theory and finally finding out its truth. My choices were to talk you out of it or convince myself that it's just another obsession of yours. I chose the latter. It was the wrong choice. Since then, I don't have one anymore." Lena took a careful step forward. "I can't just let you destroy other earths, Lex."

"They don't have a purpose, Lena."

"That's not for you to decide."

He sneered at her, casting a glance full of disgust at Kara and Clark. "Look at them! Their earth has  _aliens_! It is not right! I am doing this world a favor!" His voice grew louder and louder, further bolstered by the acoustics of this warehouse. "Stay out of my way."

"Lex."

He reached into his jacket and drew out a gun, pointing at his sister. Kara abandoned her previous holdback and shot forward, landing in front of Lena. "Don't," she growled.

"Supergirl," Lena whispered from behind her.

Kara shook her head, eyes pinned on the bald man feet away from them. That familiar soreness began to snake its way up her nerves, intensifying with each passing millisecond, growing into pain in no time at all. Behind her, Clark huffed out a whimper, but he kept up his composure and kept his feet off the ground; she was sure he would give anything just to get the hell out of dodge.

"Kryptonite," Alex muttered, having noticed the weakening of the two aliens.

"Supergirl," Lena implored, concern edging into her voice.

The blonde shook her head again and clenched her fists.

"I may be mad, Supergirl, but I'm not  _stupid_ ," Lex said with a cackle. "Have you met Jack yet? He is a lovely man, let me tell you. I introduced them to each other, you know." He waved his gun in the air, nonchalant about the fact that he might accidentally release a shot and kill two people at once. "Of course, I didn't know about the whole multiple earth thing then, but I have to say, I was  _delighted_  when I found out that  _you_  were married to my sister on your earth. And that she died." This time, the pain wasn't from the Kryptonite. "Kind of sweeten up the deal a little bit." He glanced away for a few moments, his gun well aimed at Lena – or rather, Kara – like he was reminiscing a great moment. "How does it feel?" he then asked, looking back at her, feigning a genuinely curious look. "To know that your late wife has a doppelganger, but she will never be with you."

"Clark," she whispered, only loud enough for her cousin to pick up.

"Kara," he replied in a similar volume.

"I'm going to take that gun. You handle the device."

"Kara," he said warningly.

"Hey, I asked you a question," Lex said.

Ignoring him, Kara responded, "I'm not letting him hurt her or anyone else. No more."

"It can  _kill_ you."

One thing that Kara had never gotten tired of was getting to wake up earlier than Lena, because despite everyone's belief, her wife was never a morning person – she just refused to sleep. "It hurts," she said in response to Lex's question, opting to be honest.

That small moment of respite for the two of them, she was addicted to it.

"Don't think I've felt hurt like this in five years."

She would wake up and Lena would be there, curled up in her arms and head laid on her chest. Breathing in and out, slower than usual – an indication of her slumber, and a confirmation that she was still alive.

"You wouldn't be able to imagine it – the pain when you remember that she won't be there when you come home."

And then she would just stare up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at Lena, because Lena's body in her arms, naked or not, seemed like a dream. She wanted to allow herself a couple of minutes, maybe forever, of never forgetting this dreamlike reality. She'd done it since the day she kissed Lena.

"When you look at that floor to ceiling glass window and remember how you broke it trying to parkour off her couch while watching American Ninja Warrior, and then think that she will not be there to laugh at you about it anymore."

After that couple of minutes, she would then turn her head, muting the noises that had picked up in National City mornings, and look down at Lena. Taking in her jet black hair ruffled up by sleep, Kara would be struck again by how lucky she was. No one else in National City – in the whole damn world – could be as lucky as her.

"When you're in your office and her office building is right in your view, and you remember that you won't have a chance to bring her lunch anymore."

And then Lena would wake up, groaning in complaint at yet another day ahead of them. Kara would chuckle, planting a kiss on top of her hair, inhaling the shampoo that Lena used, and tighten her arms around Lena.

"When you remember she won't be there at game nights, beating everyone at Monopoly and poker."

Lena would hum and then raise her head, allowing Kara an exclusive view into a pair of sleep ridden green eyes, something only she would have the privilege of seeing. They would whisper good mornings at each other, and Kara would memorize the throaty sound of Lena's voice in the morning, because it was beautiful and it turned her on to no bounds.

"When you come to another earth, fully prepared to take down another enemy, only to be confronted with an image of her, except it's not her. It's not. It's someone who looks like her, and is married to someone else. And you know that you will never have a second chance to tell her that you love her, because you really do. You loved her, you still love her, you're pretty sure that you'll love her for the rest of your life, and you're not sure how long the rest of your life will be."

Kara would lower her head to kiss Lena, tasting Lena for the first time that day. They would either keep kissing or do more unspeakable things for the next hour to each other. Depended on their schedules, and sometimes, ignoring their schedules. Kara would spend her time, letting Lena know how much she really loved her without a word, making her mark on Lena's chest, thighs, stomach, and everywhere else.

"When you wake up in an empty bed and remember that you're the only one in that bed, she wouldn't be there anymore. You'll never be able to kiss her good morning. Make love to her again. Love her anymore. You'll never be  _that_ lucky again."

Kara would never be tired of those mornings.

"I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. I would tell you though, but you wouldn't be able to imagine it, because you are a heartless son of a bitch."

Instead of empathizing, Lex only grew more and more delighted with her words – she really hadn't expected anything else. Lena, on the other hand, seemed to be choking on air behind her, but Kara didn't look back, she just kept her eyes on the man who could destroy more of her world, more of what made her. She could hear sobs in her earpiece, but she couldn't really recognize who they belonged to.

She lowered her head with a bitter smile, speaking in a lower volume for Clark, "Better me than her."

" _Kara_."

Turning around, she faced Lena, who had tear tracks on her cheeks and more to follow. Kara had only seen this kind of confliction on her face whenever she faced her mother. She extended her arms, hesitated, and then put them on Lena's forearms, mustering as happy a smile as she could.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Lena frowned. For a moment, her discipline went ignored, and she kissed Lena long and hard on her forehead. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, closing her eyes to breathe Lena in. Different shampoo – not really Lena. She pulled back and smiled at Lena again, before she turned back around and yelled, "Now, Clark!"

"No!" Lena and Alex both yelled.

But she swooped forward anyway, closely followed by Clark. She could feel herself grow weaker as she neared Lex, but in her head, Lena's encouragements rang out loud and true, telling her and pushing her that she was worthy and she was strong and she was heroic and she would  _never_  back down at the face of a threat. Those words were enough to keep her going until she was right in front of Lex.

Lex, too surprised by her bravery, she supposed, didn't move an inch, aimed the gun right at her chest. When she put her hand around the nozzle, excruciating pain lanced through her body with the Kryptonite bullet inside taking effect. Still, it wasn't the worst pain she felt. So while Clark smacked the device out of Lex's hand, she twisted the nozzle, her palm covering the hole.

He pulled the trigger, the bullet firmly lodging itself in her skin, and she groaned. She could already feel herself blacking out, but before she did, she mustered enough strength to sucker punch him, effectively knocking him out.

And then she fell, the last thing she saw was Lena running towards her.

* * *

For five years, waking up wasn't so much a natural progress as it was a tasking effort. Regain consciousness, refuse to open her eyes, forget about the coldness in the bed, and wait for a call from Alex to remind her of the real world – this had been her routine for five years. And then dress up, go for an hour of patrol, and go to work; on Saturdays, she would give up on patrol to visit the cemetery.

She wanted to say she hadn't gotten used to it. If she hadn't, maybe Lena would then come back; maybe that whole thing wasn't real; maybe it was just a terribly long nightmare. She understood that it was irrational – beyond, really. When someone died, someone died. There was no bringing them back. There was no rewind. No messing with time. Nothing she could do.

But she had gotten used to it. Numbing and throttling and familiar and utterly deplorable.

The first sound she heard was that breathing pattern – slow but there – she hadn't heard that sound in so long. Her memory cord was struck and she opened her eyes immediately, air caught in her lungs as she turned to the direction of where the breathing pattern came from, wondering if her attempts to convince herself that it was all just a bad dream had come true.

There she was, curled up in a chair, her head ducked down, her hair forming a curtain down the other side of her face, and so peaceful and  _alive_. And Kara wanted to cry. She almost reached out to touch her, pull her into the embrace, and never let her go. She almost, but she didn't, because she caught sight of the ring and it wasn't  _their_ ring.

"Oh," she whispered.

Kara rolled her head back to stare up at the dim glare of the sunbed, healing her and strengthening her. Her broken heart was still broken – no obscene amount of sunlight would be able to help her with that. She sucked in a deep breath, released in a quick whoosh, and repeated it again and again. Eliza had taught her that to keep her emotions in check and keep the tears at bay.

She was in the middle of an inhale when the door opened and Alex came in, who stuttered in her steps at the sight of Kara being awake. She could see that her sister wanted to run towards her, but refrained when she took in Lena still dozing in the chair next to Kara. So Alex just smiled at Kara, a little solemnly, and neared the sunbed, keeping her distance from Lena.

"Hey," Alex said, not hesitating to reach out and take her hand.

Kara averted her gaze again, doing her very best to swallow down the clog that only thickened in throat. "Hey," she managed. "Where are we?"

"STAR Labs. We didn't think it was safe to move you back to our earth at the time."

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Three days."

"Lex Luthor?"

"Iron Heights. Apparently, that's their version of super-villain prison. Nice sucker punch, by the way."

"Clark still here?"

"No, he went back, but he's been coming here for the last three days for a visit."

Alex had been forward and not at all secretive, answering her questions with no hesitation or pauses. But that look on her sister's face was careful and knowing, because those weren't the questions that Kara really needed answers to. The blonde nodded, administering the breathing method that Eliza had taught her again.

"Why is she here?" she finally asked, closing her eyes and her voice trembling.

The DEO agent tightened her grip on Kara's hands, herself sucking in a sharp breath as well. "She wouldn't leave," Alex answered, enunciating each syllable with careful precision, like it could prolong the arrival of the ache somehow. Except the ache had never left. "She said it was because of her that you're here. And she needs to be here when you wake up to make sure that she didn't kill you."

Two different earths, but still the same Lena – always taking the blame on herself. Seemed like Jack wasn't doing a very good job trying to persuade her out of that mindset on this earth, just like her failure at doing so when her Lena was still alive and healthy.

"We need to talk," Alex said, her voice more strangled than usual, and she cast a cursory glance to Lena before returning to Kara.

She sat down on the edge of the sunbed, avoiding the top part of it by lowering her head, and gazed at Kara with both worry and irritation. Kara waited, but her sister only stared at her, hand awkwardly petting Kara's as her teeth sunk gently into her lower lip. Alex's eyes flitted over everything, like she was recalling something, and when she grimaced, it was like she didn't enjoy that particular memory.

Kara knew what it was. "I'm sorry," she said, croaky. Alex's eyes snapped to hers. "I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't know how to. You have Maggie. James has Lucy. Winn has whoever it is he's dating right now. J'onn has M'gann. Clark has Lois. I have a dead wife." It sounded so dry and flat that she was almost convinced that she felt nothing about it, but the sharp ache that lanced through her suggested otherwise.

"Kara," Alex chastised gently, reaching out with her other hand to brush a stray lock of hair away, "she meant something to us too."

"I know," she whimpered, the edges of her lips curling down when it became too difficult to hold it in. "It's selfish, but she – I couldn't."

Moving quicker than usual, Alex crawled closer to her upper body and leaned down to take Kara in a halfway hug, almost hung in midair. "I'm sorry for not noticing," Alex said. "I thought you were okay; that therapy helped."

Kara managed a snort into Alex's shoulder. "Therapy is shit."

Alex hesitated and then burst out with a short chuckle. They stayed in each other's arms for a long while, and then Alex said again, "I'm really sorry, Kara."

The blonde shook her head. "You being here is enough."

* * *

"Good morning," she greeted when Lena began to shift in her sleep.

Lena jumped and stared at her with wide eyes, no traces of sleep lingering. She then breathed, "You're awake."

Kara shrugged. "Sunbeds do that." While Kara wouldn't ever claim that she knew this Lena, there were still mannerisms that this doppelganger carried that was unmistakably Lena Luthor. "Don't you dare apologize." Lena's eyes widened. Kara offered a melancholic twitch of her lips, shrugging minutely. "You're not all that different."

She wasn't sure Lena truly understood, but the woman nodded anyway. "You shouldn't have done that," she quietly breached the tentativeness between them.

"Like you said, you're not my wife." It was too late before she regretted it, which only intensified when she heard Lena inhaled sharply. "Sorry," she muttered. "That was mean."

"I think…" Lena's eyes flitted to hers, her jaw working as she tried to piece her words together. "I think that you have the right to be mean. To a lot of things, actually," she added. She reached up to run her fingers through her hair. And Kara didn't seem to be able to stop catching her gaze on the jewelry firmly lodged on the other woman's ring finger.

"Are you happy?" she asked quietly, averting her attention from the ring to the wearer. At the look of surprise on the woman's face, she continued, "With Jack. Are you happy?"

Her wife's doppelganger looked away for a moment, mouth opening and closing a few times, stammering. "I – I'm not sure –"

"My Lena had a hard time being happy," Kara said. "She thought that because of Lex and her adoptive parents, she had to pay her penance in pain, alone and hated. She didn't care much about her own life. I tried to do what I could to make sure that she understood that she was worth it. Worth the whole damn world, and we were the ones who didn't deserve her." The blonde gulped.

 _I need you to tell Kara that it's okay. I'm happy. I've never been so happy. I never thought I could be so happy_ , was what Lena had told Maggie to tell her.

"So…" She came back to the surface and kept a firm gaze on Lena again. "I just need to know: are you happy?"

Turned out this Lena was good at prolonging pauses unnecessarily as well. Her hesitance made Kara nervous. What if this Lena wasn't happy? What would  _she_ do then? What did that mean in the long run?

"Yes," Lena finally said, smiling for the first time since they met. And  _oh_ , the alien's heart pumped and pumped and pumped and then broke right there. She had given up on ever hoping to see that smile come to life again – the smile that used to greet her in the morning. "Jack makes me very happy."

Kara offered a smile of her own, no matter how weak. She looked back up to the roof of the sunbed, closing her eyes against the lamp. "Good. That's good," she opined.

Lena was still there, scared and nervous and uncertain. The blonde was too tired.

So before she allowed the hands of slumber to slither around her brain, she said, "Seeing you again – even if you're not really…her – it was…I don't know how to describe it, really. But I still love her. God, I love her so much. And that means I'll probably feel something along the lines for each and every one of her doppelganger, and I just want them all to be happy. So knowing that you  _are_ , it's…comforting. It's good. All of you deserve to be happy."

Lena shifted in her seat. Kara opened her eyes in slits and extended her hand, which Lena took after some hesitation. Something inside her burst at the sensation.

"And thank you, Lena, for letting me see that…that beautiful face one more time."

**Author's Note:**

> i'll be completely honest. i cried like five times writing this. i hurt myself.


End file.
